Sunday, October 26, 2008

Pathetic Fallacy

Where the hell is Mr. Clean when you need him? 

When I studied Wuthering Heights back in college, my Professor used the literary term Pathetic Fallacy to describe how the weather mimicked the characters mood. Heathcliff is referred to as a very stormy character and, coincidentally, the weather outside the Castle is usually pretty lousy. I've since looked up the term and while it doesn't 100% mean what my Professor said, I'm going to use it today as it's the only way to describe how I'm feeling.

The storm clouds are rolling in outside my window and it's 100% reflective of my current mood. I B"H just started my 9th month and my anxiety levels continue to heighten with every passing moment.

First up:

1) Pidgeon's sister and brother-in-law - this is not a new theme in our lives but I'm finally at my breaking point. Just when I think they're coming towards us, they do something so fundamentally obnoxious and rude that I'm left feeling disappointed and upset. I'm on this constant roller coaster of emotions with them and boy do I want to just get off that ride. After the latest incident involving them, which took place on Thursday night, I decided to just stop caring. So, Friday night when we were at Pidgeon's parents for dinner, I didn't talk to them. Not one word. I wasn't hostile or obviously upset with them, and I acted pleasantly and respectfully to everyone in the room, I just didn't address them. No hello when they arrived, no goodbye when we left. And I think that's just the way I'm going to have to deal with them moving forward. The less I interact with them, the better off I'll be. I'm just so damn tired of having them stress out my marriage, be a constant source of fighting between me and Pidgeon, and be a primary reason why I'm upset in my life. I want to just focus on myself, my husband and P"G our baby and just be happy with what's to come. Now all I need is for my emotions to follow my intellectual reasonings and maybe I'll be able to get out of bed today.

2) The state of our apartment - it's a mess. There are blotches of Lord knows what on our kitchen floor and a layer of dust on every surface of the apartment that needs to be wiped clean. I had waited all morning for our cleaning lady to call and let me know what time she was coming, and she called alright, to tell me that she's no longer cleaning and is accepting another job offer. Now, she is Anglo with 4 children and lives in Maale Adumim. She has a US college degree and was working for a company in the Technology Park that was paying her less than minimum wage, so she started cleaning houses to help make more money. She was a great cleaner, very trustworthy and nice. I was finally getting comfortable with her and then she ups and quits on me with no notice at all. Just a call today to say she was not coming and that the 40 shekel I overpaid her last time will somehow make it back to me. I was pleasant on the phone, wished her well, and then hung up and stewed.  While I 100% understand her situation and would myself probably make the same decision if in her shoes, she royally screwed me. She never gave me any indication that she was looking to find a new job, and she gave me no notice. I'm in my 9th month of pregnancy and would get on my hands and knees and scrub my own floors if I could, but I physically cannot. Rather than just sit here and cry, I started making some calls to people I turned down when Miriam told me she could come work with us. They are no longer available. So, I called Miriam back and basically told her how upset I was with her. I said that, while I am thrilled she secured a good job in this economic environment, I am left with no one to clean my apartment in my 9th month. She apologized and said she didn't know this job offer was coming, that she didn't think it would be a big deal because people post ads all the time on JANGLO looking for cleaners and that she had tried to call me last night but I never picked up my phone. I basically left it at that if she knew someone who could help me out, I would really appreciate it. I hope never to hear from her again. I wish her well, but I certainly don't need her in my face when I have less than 4 weeks to find a replacement before the baby.

3) The state of the economy - it just plain sucks. I have one amazing client and was hoping to at least take 3 weeks off after the baby before I started working with them again. They don't want that. In fact, they really want someone who can continue through March which is their busy season. We need the money, so I need to figure something out. I'm resentful because all other new Mothers get to take at least 3 months off on maternity leave before going back to work, and I don't have that option. Who knows if the client will still be around after 3 months? Chances are, they will move on and hire someone else in the interim. And, what if I can't find a job in 3 months? Then what? My parents aren't helping matters at all. My Mother told me that I need to find a way to work things out, instead of telling me that I should just take the 3 months off and figure things out when I'm ready to get back to work. She keeps saying how lousy the economy is, how terrible the job market is out there, etc. I know everything she says is true, but how the hell am I supposed to juggle a new baby (my first mind you), a household, and a client? Should I just say goodbye to sleep right now? I don't want to be a bad Mother, I don't want my baby or my husband to suffer, and ethically I don't want my client to pay the price either. I'm in a pretty lousy predicament and just pray that I figure something out ASAP.

Well, with all this stress and everything just running through my head, it's no wonder that I didn't sleep last night. I ended up doing work for 2 hours until 4:00 a.m., before I was exhausted enough to get some sleep. I was up with Pidgeon when his alarm went off at 6:45 a.m. and have been awake ever since. The HOT cable guy came at 8:45 a.m. to fix out cable, and then replaced our Magic box with a new one. We had a ton of things taped - never watched - that are now gone. I just shrugged and said Gam Zu Letovah - it's for the best - we will just make do with what we have. I then set to record as many Stargate's as possible since I know how much Pidgeon likes them. Hopefully when he gets home from work today, there will be a number of episodes he can watch. 

I tried to get back to sleep after the cable guy left but to no avail. I just have so much on my mind that, every time I close my eyes, something else crowds in. I have to figure out how the hell I'm going to get everything done before the baby and it's not looking too promising. 

Is having a new baby always this stressful? If so, then what will life be like AFTER the baby?

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