I was complaining last night to Pidgeon that I didn't feel in the right frame of mind for Yom Kippur this year. That the holiday just crept up on me. That Aseret Yemei Teshuvah was wasted on me, as I didn't get to the Kotel like I had wanted and I certainly didn't spend the time repenting, giving Tzdakah or even asking people for Mechilah. Instead, I did more of the things I've been doing all year. I gossiped (a lot), I spoke badly about people (especially members of Pidgeon's family as I've been wont to do over the past 2 years) and I took my husband for granted (which was something I really, really try not to do since I'm so blessed to have found him in the first place).
So, it was no surprise that when we woke up at 6:30 a.m. this morning so Pidgeon could make Minyan and then the mikvah, that I was finally able to be a bit reflective. Perhaps it's because I was ashamed that last night I through a fit because I discovered our bathtub is clogged. I haven't taken a bath in months and, feeling really lousy yesterday with lack of sleep and overall pregnancy hugeness, all I wanted was to take a nice warm bubble bath. When I ran the water, and put in the bubbles for the bath, the bubbles started coming out of the drain in the bathroom floor! Pidgeon told me that I had to drain the tub and couldn't take a bath because I could flood the whole house, and I just lost it.
Just when I opened my big, fat mouth and said that all the repairs had been done in the house, this had to go and happen. I should look on the bright side - that I don't need to take a bath for at least another 10 weeks, that the baby will P"G have its own bathtub, and that at least this happened now before the baby so that we can take care of it. But, there was no rational thought going on in my mind, and I crumpled on the bed like a whiny, spoiled little brat and mewed at my misfortune for not being able to take a bath.
And then I started complaining that all I wanted was a big glass of apple juice with ice cubes in it. Don't know where that even came from, since I don't drink apple juice normally and have no idea why I suddenly needed to have a glass with ice no less - right then and there.
And that's when my darling husband looked at me, as he was trying to comfort me from the no-bath disappointment, and said that he had spent 9 hours in the office and the entire time he was just thinking about coming home to me, because seeing me and being with me makes him so happy.
I could have cried, I just felt so terrible. I was being so selfish and not even thinking of his needs at all! He works hard all day long, then he comes home only for me to ship him out again to change some money before the rates get even lower, comes home again for a bought dinner (I had no strength whatsoever to try to cook for him) and then when all he wants to do is cuddle a little in front of his favorite TV program, I go and have a childish meltdown over not being able to take a bath.
Well, that certainly did it for me. All I needed was him to put the mirror up against my face so I could really look at myself. I see that I've been using this pregnancy as an excuse to act badly sometimes, and that's just not okay. Especially since it hurts my husband and my family. Besides all of my transgressions against G-d this year, I've done some serious man-to-man harm and for that I am very sorry.
Having a nice breakfast ready for Pidgeon when he gets home from shul this morning might not doing anything to make up for how I might have treated him badly this year, but I hope it's the step in the right direction.
And, for all of my family, friends and acquaintances out there who read this blog. I know I haven't had a chance to call and ask for forgiveness in person, and that a status update on Facebook probably doesn't count. So, with a few hours left before Judgement Day, I ask that you all forgive me for anything I could have done to hurt, anger, or upset you this year. I can't make any promises that next year will be any better, all I can do is say that I will try.
I will try not to be so self centered
I will try not to be so hurtful and thoughtless
I will try not to be disrespectful of your feelings and emotions
I will try to be a better friend
I will try to be better
Wishing you and your entire family a Gmar Chatimah Tovah. May you have a very easy and meaningful fast, and may all of your Tefillot be answered L'Tovah.
No comments:
Post a Comment