Monday, June 16, 2008

Just a Wee Bit Pissed

This is exactly how I feel today. I am so angry, I just want to take an umbrella and just unleash hell all over some unsuspecting vehicle. Ah, family. They're pretty much the only group of people who can really drive me this insane. 

Usually, my Dad's the culprit. But, I was able to take his lecture yesterday about studying for my final next week, not over exerting myself on the exercise, blah, blah, blah because it was Father's Day. And, that's the one day out of the year where I give my Dad free reign to say whatever he wants to me, and not take it to heart. That's usually my gift to him (and really, myself).

Nope, this time, the culprit is none other than my older sister. I'm so angry with her, I think I'm done speaking with her until at least after the baby is born. Here's the situation. Unfortunately, last March, my sister suffered a horrible miscarriage. It was awful, and we all rallied around her after it happened. Thank g-d, she has two wonderful children who helped her through the tragedy. I was really appreciative that she was so supportive of me as I went through my engagement, and how much she did for me around the wedding. And then, 17 weeks ago, I got pregnant and was just so ecstatic. But, not everyone in my family was as happy, particularly my sister. At first, I was really understanding about her situation. However, as time goes on, my patience is wearing more and more thin.

My Mother decided to try to help ease my disappointment by making the following analogy. She told me that the way I felt when my little sister got married before me is exactly how my older sister feels now that I'm pregnant.


When my little sister got married, I wasn't dating anyone. I am 3 years older than her and found her marriage very difficult. So, what did I do? I went to therapy. Why? Because I knew that if I didn't have someone to talk to, during her engagement, I wouldn't be there for her and it would ruin our relationship forever. Going to therapy during her engagement was the best thing I ever did, and I had a great time at her wedding. Not only that, but my little sister had TWO children before I even got engaged! And, I supported her during her pregnancies. I went down to Baltimore and helped her when she was pregnant and then after each baby was born. I love her children more than anything in the world, and no matter how sometimes I felt a twinge of jealousy because I wanted to be married and have children too, I never let it affect our relationship.

So, that analogy just doesn't work for me since my older sister has been married now for eight years and has two beautiful, wonderful and amazing children. 

OK, so that's the back story. What did she say to me yesterday that made me so angry?

1) Baby names - we were discussing my Zaydie (A"H) Hebrew name. Now, my little sister had a boy after both my Grandfather's passed away. And, she decided to use my Zaydie's Hebrew name as her son's middle name. They call him, however, by my Zaydie's English name. So basically, there is already a baby in our family who is named after both of my Grandfather's (A"H). Now, Pidgeon and I have been discussing baby names for a while now. And, we've discussed using my Grandfather's Hebrew name should the baby be a boy. But, we don't know if we'll use it as a first name or not. So, when I mentioned to my sister how we're stressing about baby names, she went OFF on me. She said that "it's not like I'm living in a rented apartment" and maybe "we should think about doing the right thing".  How DARE she? I need her to pull a guilt trip on me because we live in my parents apartment? Is my parents helping us out a bribe for us to name our children after the names they want us to use? 

What upsets me even more is that my sister had NO relationship with my Zaydie. I LIVED with him for 2 1/2 years when I was in my 20's. Out of everyone in my immediate family, I was the closest to him! I miss him terribly! There is nothing more I want to do than to honor his memory. So, who the hell does she think she is to guilt me into doing something that I don't have 100% control over. It's not like I'm going to be a single parent (thank g-d). There are two people who make this decision when it comes to baby names. Two. 

2) So, AFTER she made me feel like complete shit, I tell her that I was calling to let her know the sex of the baby. We decided to just tell our siblings what we're having, since both Pidgeon and I are terrible about keeping secrets. And, once I told her, she revealed that she basically already knew because she asked my Mother. Now, why my Mother told her, I don't know. But, I was pissed that she asked my Mother point blank what we're having. First of all, ask me, don't ask my Mother. Second of all, if I thought she cared at all about this baby, I would have felt differently. But, she merely want to know because what we're having affects my parents travel plans. And, even though the main event is P"G 4 3/4 months away, she HAD to know when they were going to be out of the Country. 

3) Well, if that wasn't bad enough, I asked her to share some of her old baby clothing with me. I wasn't trying to be insensitive at all. But, when my little sister had her son, my older sister sent her some of her old baby clothing (P.S. you have no idea what we're having, both my sisters have a boy and a girl). And, when my little sister had her daughter, my older sister bought matching outfits and shared baby clothing with her as well. When I requested that she send some baby clothing to Israel, her response was Oh. I quickly told that I would send the baby clothing back as soon as our baby grew out them, but I know that she has some really nice stuff and it would help us out financially if we got some hand me downs and I didn't have to buy a whole bunch of new stuff. We're students people, we make very, very little money, and I have to cut corners where I came. A baby is a huge expense, so if my sisters could help me out, why not ask? Anyway, she hemmed and hawed and basically said she would "see how much room my parents have before making a decision to share her baby clothing". You and I both know that I'm not going to see anything from her. Ever.

I was so upset with this conversation, I barely slept last night, and have spent the morning doing laundry, cooking dinner for my sister-in-law and her family (with a new baby, I thought she could use some help in the food department) and cleaning all while crying. Pidgeon's been very helpful, and tried to comfort me,  but I'm just so miserable. 

I used to have such an amazing older sister. We used to be so close. She used to be so supportive. I miss that sister. I hate this new her. And I really don't need this kind of relationship in my life right now.

Maybe the sooner I accept that fact that just because we're related, doesn't mean we have to like each other or even be friends, the better.

I'm just hoping it hurts less that way.


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