Saturday, March 8, 2008

Falling Apart

I finally fell apart tonight. It's basically the way I function when dealing with something upsetting - I repress for a bit- and then I just finally take it all in. On Thursday night, after we spent a few hours watching the news about the Piguah, I didn't really let the news soak in. I decided instead to stay focused on our weekend company, so I just focused. 

On Friday, as the funerals were taking place at Mercaz HaRav and throughout the Country, I peeled potatoes, put up the Chulent, grilled the chicken, make coleslaw, made the beds, sauteed the onions and fennel and beef, cut the fruit, made the salads and put out the candles for our guests. I kept busy the entire day until our guests arrived and then I spent Shabbos just trying not to think about what's going on in the world. I wouldn't let our guests help, and so I waited on them hand and foot, and served and cleared, washed dishes and reset the table Friday night. I helped with the baby and then, this afternoon when everyone was exhausted from an early day, I sent them all to bed and I cleaned up. I washed all the dishes and silverware, the numerous serving bowls and utensils, I put the plates away, I folded and shook out the tablecloth, I dried the silverware so there were no water spots, I put away the food. I did all this almost on auto-pilot, without a thought in my mind. After the Shabbos nap, I took a long walk with our guests and we enjoyed the break in hot weather. The breeze was finally starting to blow and we just walked around and tried to enjoy Shabbos coming to a close. Our guests stayed for a while after Shabbos so they could experience our new Wii, and then I helped bathe the baby and get them out of the house. 

As soon as they were gone, I felt myself completely unravel. Pidgeon pitched in to help me finish cleaning up, and faced with nothing else that really needed to be done, I finally let the thoughts and emotions I've been surpressing since Thursday to soak in. I thought I had done a good job not looking at the newspaper pictures from the Yeshiva,  but when you go online it's a completely different story. So, I went into the refridgerator, and I first started to just eat some leftover salads. But, the food just help numb the feelings, so I didn't want to stop after the salads. I put 2 pieces of corn kugel and 2 spoonfuls of Chulent in a bowl and nuked it. That just numbed the emotions further. And then, while Pidgeon watching a movie in the other room, I took out my Aunt's apple pie and a fork, and just started working my way around the half moon circle of pastry that was still left. I finally put the fork down after eating about a 1/3 of the pie, and I picked through the leftover pieces of whole wheat Challah we got from Pe'er. Finally, I was numb once again, and able to read through the news reports and look through the pictures from the funeral.

I have to admit, when we were watching the news on Thursday night, my first thought was that we were dealing with a "disgruntled" Yeshiva student. I immediately had flashes to Columbine. But not even second went by  before Pidgeon remarked that it was an act of terrorist and that a second terrorist could have been on the loose. I was so shocked at myself and I realized that I must adjust my thinking if I want to exist in this Country. I have to realize the realities of living in Israel, the when I hear about a situation, it's almost always going to be terrorism. That reality is really, really lousy. What kind of situation will I P"G be bringing children into? How do you raise children in this type of environment, when you cannot guarantee their safety? It's something I just can't think about.

Well, I decided not to beat myself up about the food binge. It's something I'm not proud of, and I probably would have been better off just talking about it with Pidgeon, but I just can't really verbalize how I'm feeling these past two days. So, I decided that tomorrow morning, we'll P"G wake up and face the new day together. I hope the sun is shining too.

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